This is a first for a Planet Clandemonium post: a foreword. Never done one a ‘dem before, never needed to. But this post is different. This post is a gift for my wife, Lauchette Byrne. Tomorrow she turns 33, and due to me being a terribly selfish asshole, I will not be home to celebrate with her. Or to give her an actual present. But this post is one of the 3 presents I have for her.
What follows might be the first actual blog-like thing I ever wrote on the interwebs. Now keep in mind this was written in 2009, so quite a bit has changed in the world. In fact, the brewery company in question I think sold some time ago. So in a lot of ways, this post/blog is terribly out of date.
Well then why in the world are you posting it? Calm down, I’m getting to that. When I first posted this I did know my wife. I mean I knew of her but had not spoken to her since we were children. We weren’t friends even on Facebook. But we did have a mutual friend who at the time was going by Ayatollah Pancakes. Pancakes read this post and shared it, which led to Lauchette reading it. She apparently found it funny, and decided to friend request me. I accepted and you can probably figure it out from there(if not pay attention tomorrow).
Now, Lauchette is the main reason I started this blog. And she has been after me forever to share this one. What she doesn’t know is that I have been intentionally waiting for this exact occasion. I wanted to share it as something special relating to her because of what this meant for the two of us and the family we now have. Again, things have changed since this post. Not the least of which is my sobriety which would probably mean I wouldn’t have even written it today. But I did write it then and it led to the best thing that ever happened to me: Lauchette and my family. While I am not the person anymore that wrote this, it will always be special to me too. This writing was the first time that being me and sharing my thoughts in writing gave me something. It was the first time that I felt like writing could do more than just be something I wished I could do.
I’ve gone back and forth on whether I should edit this. Truth be told I haven’t read it since I posted it in 2009. I have trouble rereading my own work. It’s like I felt it and poured it out, I don’t need to relive it. So instead I am posting it in its original form with all its original warts. But I think that’s also the right thing to do. I don’t want to redo or change it. Just share it for the many that missed it.
Lauchette, I hope you have a nice birthday. And I hope you enjoy this.
Let’s Buy Pabst!
So, yeah let’s buy Pabst. This is our chance to own a fine American tradition. I know the amount of $300 million seems a little intimidating, but if we split it up by a whole bunch of us it really wouldn’t be all that much. And I will personally volunteer to run the day to day affairs.
Now this may seem like a lot of fun, and it will be, but it’s also going to be a lot of work. I have to assume that maybe PBR isn’t the money maker that it should be. I mean they wouldn’t be selling it if it was crapping out golden eggs. And I’ll have to believe in my assumption since those quarterly reports on their website are written in frigging Greek as far as I’m concerned. I’m not a real strong counter, anyone who’s played Uno with me can testify to that. So we’ll need to come up with a plan to turn things around. And you’re in luck, the Clanman’s brain is always chugging. I have come up with a strategy to make PBR the number one selling beer in America. So come along as I blow your mind with my business model.
We need to specialize. Focus on what makes us different from the competition. And what makes us different is that PBR gets you blitzed at a minimal cost. Yes it’s hard to believe that the smooth flavorful beverage that is Pabst Blue Ribbon can be obtained for so little cost, but it is indeed true. Pabst is a no frills beer and I aim to keep it that way. We will do nothing to change the actual product, just tweak the way it’s viewed. And here are some ideas I came up with.
College kids are the bread and butter of domestic beers. Nobody mass consumes cheap beer like the youth of America. And we need to capitalize on this. How you may ask? Well here are some ideas:
– One of the great challenges for college freshmen is obtaining booze. And even when they find a buyer they are usually at the mercy of what the buyer is willing to buy them. So let’s give the kids a hand. I propose we hire a group of newly 21 year-olds and plant them in college dorms. Their jobs will be to buy booze for our future leaders, and more specifically PBR. We’re taking a page from the Big Tobacco book and hooking ‘em whiles their young. And we won’t even be charging the kids the standard buyer fee so we’d be encouraging repeat business. Now yes, there is a question of the legality of this endeavor so we’ll need to keep this on the hush hush. We’ll have to be very rigorous in our interviewing process to ensure that these employees are reliable and totally cool before we put them to work. Their official job titles will be independent consultants.
– We need to make it so that when college kids think kegger, they think PBR. To this end we need to show that nothing better compliments a party than Pabst. Research and Development will be charged with uncovering or creating evidence that nothing helps you party like PBR. Is it possible that Pabst is the ideal product for beer pong? That’s not for me to decide, let’s let the scientists prove that. Is it true that PBR’s smooth taste makes it optimal for a Power Hour? Most definitely. I’m not a scientist but I know that when I take a shot of beer every minute for an hour there is nothing better than a Pabst. And does the potent rich blend of Pabst make you more attractive to women, make women feel more amorous, and lower their expectations? I’ll let you be the judge of that.
Now high school kids are a little tricky. Although we’d love for every kid drinking in a field to be holding a Pabst, or that every time they steal from their parents’ fridge they reach for the PBR, clearly we cannot encourage the kids to drink. But I have another way to make the kids love us. I hereby announce the creation of the Pabst Blue Scholarship Fund, or PBSF. That’s right, PBR wants to send promising young kids to continue their education and we want to help foot the bill! So now the kids love PBR without us ever encouraging them to drink. And wait, what’s this? They’re college students now? And what do college students love? BAM! That’s another generation of PBR lovers. We’ll make back that scholarship money one case at a time.
Catch phrases are a helpful way to market your product. So I introduce BYOPB. Bring Your Own Pabst Bitch. Let’s start using that phrase constantly to hammer the message home.
This website Texts From Last Night seems to be growing in popularity. For those unfamiliar, people upload funny text messages they received the night before. I propose we borrow this idea by creating BYOPB.com. Users can upload crazy and wacky things they did while enjoying our fine product. And each month registered users can vote on the wackiest message and the winner will receive a free twelve pack of PBR. BOOM! Pabst gives back.
Celebrity endorsements are a tried and true method for getting your product out there. But with the emergence of Reality TV and celebrities that are merely famous for being famous we have a different type of pop-culture icon to tap in to. Now I’m not really all that informed when it comes to pop-culture, but I used Yahoo news to familiarize myself with the names that are making headlines these days and came up with some ideas on how to cash in on their infamy. Let’s take a look:
– John Gosselin seems to be very popular. From what I can understand he is married to a woman with 14 kids that he likes to constantly cheat on her publicly. And apparently America loves him for it. Now while I don’t understand the appeal of such a man, I am not above using him to push our product. Perhaps the next time this man is caught cheating we could ask him to hold a PBR. Since people like watching him cheat, maybe they’ll want to drink the same kind of beer so that they can feel what he feels.
– There’s this Pre-Jean woman that seems to be making a lot of headlines. I don’t really understand her name. Maybe she’s just Jean now, or possibly Post-Jean. The article wasn’t real clear. Anyway, apparently she likes to take naked pictures and videos of herself and send them to teenage boys. Again I’m confused by America’s love affair with a woman with such strange tendencies, but not above cashing in on them. Perhaps we could ask her to include a bottle of PBR in the next video that she sends to young boys? She could hold the bottle suggestively to her mouth as if she were performing oral sex on it. Or depending on her level of perversion, she may choose to use the bottle in other manners. We will leave it up to her. The point is that we’re getting the PBR image out there.
– There was a small boy that was found living in a balloon. Apparently his parents had forced him into the balloon at a young age and then lifted it into the air, while keeping it tethered in the back yard. Recently the balloon took off and the boy was found unharmed. Now obviously we can’t have this child drinking a beer, nor would we want to use his parents. But maybe we could get the sheriff who found him to take a picture with a Pabst cause he’s kind of a hero. Pabst Blue Ribbon, the hero beer.
Three words: PBR Snap Bracelets.
For some reason Budweiser and Bud Light seem to be dominating the White Trash market. This seems like an area where a moderately priced, no frills beer like PBR has a real opportunity. Perhaps we could get a celebrity that they love to endorse the beer. We haven’t heard from Stone Cold Steve Austin in a while, maybe he’d be up for it. We could have a commercial in which he stomps on the Undertaker and then chugs two PBRs. Then he could say something like, “PBR, give me a hell yeah!” you know. Stuff that the trailer park crowd loves.
Another thought on the WT crowd would be that we could have the sleeves already removed from our Pabst promotional T-shirts. That way we can save them time and show that we at Pabst care.
I’ve noticed that Olde English 800 seems to be dominating the homeless crowd. This is a missed opportunity for free advertising. Although I don’t believe that anyone emulates the homeless community, there’s still an up side to getting PBR into their hands. The next time someone steps past one of these street people, they may notice the PBR clutched in their hands. This would lead them to thinking “Oh, yeah. PBR” or “I forgot about Pabst” or even “Yeah, I could go for one of those”. Again, we’re getting the Pabst Blue Ribbon image out there.
Pabst is severely lacking in the mascot department. So I came up with one. His name’s Pabby. He’s a puppet that lives in a PBR can, kind of like Oscar the Grouch. And like Oscar he’s a bit of a crank when he doesn’t get his ice cold Pabst. We could have him be like the Cookie Monster of Pabst. I bet Pabby Halloween costumes would be a big hit.
To raise capital we could sell like pieces of the company to individuals. And then as profits rise these pieces would become more valuable and the people who own the pieces could sell them to other people for more than they bought them for. This could be like a way for people to make money off their savings. It’s a new idea and sure there will be a lot of trial and error, but we can iron out the kinks over time. Pretty inventive.
Oh, okay. It turns out that idea already exists and is called “stocks”. And the people are called investors. I guess someone started doing this a while back. So although it’s not a completely original idea, it must work because people have been doing it for a while. And we can avoid the trial and error phase.
People seem to like fruit in their beer, so we could try that. Strawberry Pabst could be the hit we need.
Miller and Budweiser spend an awful lot of money on trying to make light beers, yet obesity is constantly on the rise in America. So this seems like a futile strategy. I say fuck it. We’re not going after the health crowd, we’re going after America. So let’s say balls to the wall when it comes to calories. We’re here for flavor.
People like products that give back to charities. So for every can of Pabst that is purchased we could make a small donation to a charity. Yoplait seems to already be doing this for breast cancer, so we can use that charity. But I got an idea. I hereby announce the Blast Dick Cheney Into Space Memorial Fund. For every can of Pabst we will make a small donation to this very necessary group.
On each can we will print “Sarah Palin is an idiot”. This is socially responsible as it is getting an important message out there. And it will really come in handy as the 2012 election approaches.
That’s all I’ve got for now. You mull it over and decide if you want to help buy in on the American dream of owning an international brewing company. I look forward to hearing from your checkbooks in the near future.