Significantly Less Fun than You Think

I don’t have a lot of friends. I may have mentioned that before. I have a whole thing I’m writing about that and my thoughts on it. However it isn’t done at this point… and I’m not sure what is written is very good. So I’m not gonna fucking rush it out of fear that it would be crap and boring. And I’m a little worried that it is probably going to paint me as a Sad Panda and that’s not really the Panda I want to be. So yeah, this is definitely not about that.

Now getting back to the point I was making, I don’t have a lot of friends. But I do have a couple of very close lifelong friends that I love very much. They are probably the best people I have met out of the thousands I have randomly interacted with or at the very least the people that have made me the most happy out of all that I have ever interacted with in my years. Now, this does not mean we talk often. Or even regularly. Or for long periods of time. And we don’t see each other often, regularly, or even intermittently. I understand that’s how it works traditionally with friends. My wife talks to her friends a lot. DAILY. Phone calls, text messages, Instagram things, SnapChat things… all that stuff. And she sees them! Like a lot! If we compared her amount of friend visits to mine in percentages, she sees her friends a kabillion percent more than I see my friends. I am pretty certain that is a scientific amount. If we measured it in weight, she sees her friends a cubic fuck-ton more than I see mine.

And honestly I’m fine with that. I know it’s weird, but I like this minimal amount of conversation and contact. It drives my wife crazy, but it’s what I know. It’s exactly the relationship I have with my family. I think it works fine. In this society, I feel the  frequency of human interactions is a bit high for my tastes. I see what Ron Swanson means when he talks about his best friend that he never talked to.

Anyways, yes I talk to my friends rarely. But I love the interactions we have. It’s usually just random shit that pops in to one of our heads. Like sometimes I will be doing something and think “Hey, I wanna try to make ramen at home. I wonder if it’s hard?” This means it’s time to text Mitch who has probably made ramen. Or maybe I’ll want to voice my concerns over how people put way too much shit on hamburgers these days. Well, Mitch or Nick are getting a text message. I have these kinds of relationships with all of my few but meaningful friends.

But then there is my best friend, Metalhead Mike. Mike(as he seems to go by more and more these days) and I probably have the most in common in habits and behaviors. We get each other on a level I never thought I’d get to with another person. We hate the same stuff, we like the same stuff, we get annoyed at the same stuff, and we wish for the same stuff. We don’t talk super often or even regularly. We just… I dunno. We just have moments here and there. To me, they’re great. They’re enough. I guess I don’t know how Mike feels about it(as I mentioned, we don’t talk often). But with how similar we are, I’m almost certain he’s cool with it too. To the outsider these moments would seem like fucking gibberish nonsense. Like just nothing worth a damn. But they are bits that demonstrate our connection and relationship through a nearly 20 year history(holy shit are we old). Let me give you an example. Mike and I both love 30 Rock and have watched it a shit load of times. Not together, that’s not how we work. We watch shows independently at our own rate of binging. But we know each other has watched it and probably focused on the same parts. So right now I could send a text to Mike that reads:

You take a hot dog, stuff it with some jack cheese, fold it in a pizza and you’ve got Cheesy Blasters!

And I’m fairly certain Mike would respond:

Thanks, Mee Cat!

Or something similar acknowledging what I’m getting at. For those unfamiliar, here ya go:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgezjCUzCzk

Aw man. How awesome was that? We need a Liz Lemon in today’s world. And if you’re like me and you kinda think eating a Cheesy Blaster would be super awesome, you should check out the Binging with Babish where he shows how to make one. And check the whole series out. I fucking love Babish. Here’s the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atLL2Yzi3bg

Anyways, so in the vein of this weird yet wonderful relationship I have with Mike something happened last week that has had me thinking a lot. My wife posted this thing on my Facebook:

Now I don’t usually go in for these types of things. I’m not super cool on this stuff or “with it” as I have heard old people say about things that young people like. It’s not my thing. I am not hip. But this one I was in to. So I answered: Parks and Recreation. I FUCKING love Parks & Rec. I’ve watched it… A LOT. The characters are some of my all time favorites. But the town is my favorite part. The strangeness of Pawnee, Indiana feels so much like my hometown of Ironwood. Mostly the bizarre citizens and their strange stances and opinions. In fact the show and it’s characters has allowed me to learn to love Ironwood and inspired me to get involved in making it a better place. Man… I love Pawnee and Parks & Rec. LIKE A LOT. And my wife knew this when she posted the pic. I think she was sort of testing how well we knew each other. Tricky lady.

Anyways, after I answered this Mike threw in an opinion. He pointed out that 10 years ago my answer would have been totally different. Mike’s exact words were “Man, ten years ago you would have picked something like Deadwood of something cool.” First, Mike is wrong. Parks & Rec is cool and he knows it. And yes, I suppose there’s a discussion to be had about how life has changed me and where I want to live, what is reasonable to me, what I imagine and dream of, and blah blah blah. Yeah, that wouldn’t be a bad blog. However, there is a bigger issue here: It is fucking insane to think one would want to live in the world of Deadwood. Just fucking dumb. Living in Deadwood would be significantly less fun than you think it would be.  

I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression. I LOVE Deadwood. I do. I love all of the characters and was super sad when it got canceled… and am super stoked that a movie is coming soon to wrap up the many dangling plot lines. I can’t wait to see it and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna start rewatching it soon. Show is the shit. That said, I DO NOT want to live there. Yeah I’m pretty sure I’d die immediately on arrival. People get killed left and right in Deadwood. And randomly too. No rhyme, no reason. You’re going around having a good day and BAM! You run into an angry Al or Dan and KAPOW! You be dead. I know nothing about 19th century firearms which seems incredibly necessary in Deadwood. Not a big horse guy… I know nothing about prospecting for gold… I think prostitutes are gross, most especially in the working conditions of Al’s whore house. I’m pretty sure that nobody is walking away from that house of ill repute without syphillis. Icky.

So no, Mike. Deadwood is not the place for me. I mean, maybe at some point I would have said that. But at that point I was clearly a fucking idiot. You’d have to be to want to live there! And Deadwood isn’t the only show that would be a HUGE mistake to live in. Many of our favorite shows are horrible places to live. Just think about it.

Game of Thrones? You would die. No doubt. Everybody dies on that show except a couple of stars… until BAM! They die too. Ain’t nobody safe on that show. Except maybe Daenerys and Tyrion but they haven’t had a real fun time either. NOBODY IS HAVING FUN ON GOT. Like Deadwood people are murdered at random by main characters. And there are also whore houses that are probably pretty gross. But it’s awesome, don’t get me wrong. A fun place to watch but nowhere you want to live.

How about The Walking Dead? HA! Super shitty place to live. Fun to watch, crappy to live in.

Breaking Bad? Who did that work out for? Name one character that ended up in a good place. Yep, don’t wanna live there.

What about the Sopranos? Okay, I concede that hanging out with Tony and crew sounds fun… but it would be hell. Tony kills his friends. Kind of a lot. Best friend? He shot him. His nephew? Suffocated him. His mother and uncle? Nearly murdered her and him. I love Tony Soprano as a character but man what a piece of shit he was. I gotta say, if the dude in the Members Only Jacket in the finale came out and shot him, mother fucker would have had it coming. And Tony was one of the more reasonable characters. Remember fucking Paulie Walnuts? Yes, he is hilarious to watch. But that dude was INSANE. Remember that whole episode with the Russian? Paulie didn’t need to attack that guy. And remember when he robbed that Starbucks? That was unreasonable and clearly not the behavior of a guy you want to hang around. How many times did he almost sell Tony out? Same for nearly every member of the cast. Except maybe Sil. He held it together pretty well. Wait… no Sil killed a lot of dudes too. Never mind. Living on the Sopranos would be hell. And don’t forget I am not in the least bit Italian. I’m Irish and if you have not heard Tony and the crew’s feelings on Irishmen, well… it is not at all positive. Slightly better than their thoughts on African-Americans, Asian-Americans, and all other minorities but still not great.

I guess living on Wings would be safe. But kinda boring. The Office would be good too though I’m not sure Michael Scott and I would get along as co-managers and I would not be able to work for that mother fucker. Scott’s Tots is maybe one of the most evil things I’ve ever imagined a person doing. Plus Dwight is crazy-town-banana-pants which would freak the hell out of everyone. And don’t get me started on Creed. That dude was clearly a murderer. But I love Kevin a lot.

I guess I could live on The Office.

I could totally handle living on Community. Greendale is the college I want to go to. I could be the new Pierce.

I guess the point I’m making is what we watch isn’t the life we want to live. That’s why we watch it. To see something that doesn’t happen to us normally. It’s exploring fantasies and the imagination. But at the end of the day we live in the environment that we can handle. We have to because that’s what we have the tools to survive in. That doesn’t mean we always like it. Nor does it mean that we are stuck in them forever. We can learn new skills and trades to fit in different worlds and environments. For instance I could learn prospecting, gun fighting, and brothel management to live in Deadwood. I assume that there are online classes or even internships that would offer the skills needed to live in the wonderous world of Deadwood. But I couldn’t bring my family. They would be WAY too much of a liability and in constant danger. In case I didn’t make it clear, Deadwood is a rough, deadly, syphillis-ridden land that has no place for families. For now, I’m gonna stay here in my Pawnee-esque town being the Leslie Knope of Ironwood, Michigan.

OH! I would also not want to live in the world of Law and Order: SVU. People do some real awful and icky stuff to other people. No thank you.

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